so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
