adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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