I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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