you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
