I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's shark week go big or go home
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
