it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
