I can tuck mytits in my pants
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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