Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
