I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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