Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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