smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The uberlube is also flammable
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
