I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
