I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
