i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
