I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Vodka?
Forever.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
