After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
