By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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