it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
