just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
