There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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