I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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