I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
