There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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