my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
