How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
