so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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