I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
