So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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