how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
