she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
