worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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