I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
