Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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