the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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