You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
