I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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