i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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