Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
