just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
