On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
