ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize