**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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