I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
