you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
