i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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