My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
