I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
