What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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