Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
