Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Someone signed my nipple.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
