she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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