saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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