your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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