Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize