i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
pray to the hookup gods
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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