It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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