you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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